Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Only we ourselves know everything about our lives - even the tiniest secret, the tiniest emotion, and the little midnight thoughts. So who's to judge but us?"

That's a quote from one of my closest friends. I wish I can agree whole-heartedly, but deep down, despite my feeble efforts I know I'm influenced by the winds of social expectation.

Back into the sea of confusion where the creatures of the deep lie
sunshine dissappears and storm clouds gather
surprised by the thunder and the lightning strike
alone in the woods not a soul in sight
such hostile environment where can one hide?

My thoughts can be abstract and random, don't ask me what I'm describing, I can't be bothered to be truthful. I'm just expressing the real and the surreal, the mental landscape and the physical world. If only I have a paintbrush and a canvass, perhaps then I can express these thoughts and drown myself in my meditating hours of silence. Just me, relaxing music and a brush...

Sometimes I feel vulnerable, scaling mountains and climbing slippery rocks, moments when I would look down and see where the future will lie if that foot of mine slips any further down. The rapid is high and the slopes dangerous. Team spirit keeps everyone going, a smile, a handhold, quick grasp of hand when one slips down. It all makes a difference. A girl turned to me with bewildered eyes, "I just realised how life isn't all that simple." I enjoy group unity, perhaps that sense of belonging? People, people intrigue me. Merely a few months and I come across so many types. Human interaction makes one learn about one self better, correct? Sometimes I come face to face with my own insecurities and fears, in some ways I've learnt to deal with them better. Yet there is still fear. You slip and fall hard, you hope next time you cross the same path, you will not do the same, you hope you've learnt from your past errors. Subconsciously I think I'm searching, pondering, and wondering who "the one" may be. Sometimes I get disappointed, so tired, weariness stops me wanting to bother.

These days I wake up from abstract dreams. One of lying in a four-post bed with the sky as my ceiling, surrounded by European cathedrals. Crowds of strangers passed by like business people in a peak hour mrt station, grey, unfeeling, anonymous. I dreamt I met a guy who claimed he was Jay Chow (fav chinese pop idol), but I didn't believe him because he didn't look like Jay. When he sang to me, I was sitting on his bike and his voice was so amazing it lifted our bike high off the ground as if carried by magic. I woke up shivering in the middle of the night sensing someone tapping my tent, but there was no one but the rustling of leaves in the wind, songs from insects and the nearby flowing stream...

xiao ying @ 3:59 PM.