Thursday, October 28, 2010

It's been a while since I felt abit melancholic. I had this sudden urge to blog, and it's a feeling I haven't had for a long time. I wanted to feel sad, because I enjoy that feeling. It's romantic, this revelling in the inhumane hours of 3:30AM with nobody else but me, and the quiet world, clock tick and low hum from the laptop . Amazingly I am still wide awake. I am afraid of getting into my design work because I know of what I'm capable of doing. Sometimes I think I get so crazily passionate and happy into this whole photography business that I think it's to the point of unhealthy obession. I mean at least I'm not addicted to drugs or anything, being addicted to work is not a bad thing, unless it starts affecting your health. Strangely I would almost describe myself going through a 'manic' phrase, I guess I have been having something like this for the past couple of weeks.

My jaws feel clenched even in sleep and my body feels like it's running a constant temperature. But my mind races ahead and persists, efficient and getting so much done, beyond any basic necessity of sleep, drink or eating. I can forget about going to the toilet despite being busting, I can forget about water, or eating or sleeping or any desire to go out. Because I am so obsessed, and focussed on the task at hand. For the last 3-4 hours, I tossed and turned in bed and have not slept a wink. When the mind just refuses to shut down and it continuously thinks and performs at top performance, planning and planning. It's a very weird side of me. I don't remember the last time I went through this.

I got to thinking about life and memories. How different memories surface at different points depending on what sort of smell, or music, or an item that reminds us a fragment of the past. I got to thinking of the lives we led, and the choices that lead us down to the paths we have chosen, and the parallell universe that has a completely different life story if we were to go down a different branch point in. So many possibilities, so much that could have happened or could have never happened in that universe. Choices, a difficult dilema, as Aaron correctly pointed out, with choice, too many choice, too much freedom, one is presented with a reduction of happiness, because the mind wonders over and thinks of too many whatifs.

xiao ying @ 3:49 AM.