Sunday, July 31, 2005
I've been spending waaaaaaaaaay too much time online chatting on msn and playing with this blog!!!! So many hours have been wasted with me procrastinating away...I hope I'm not becoming addicted!! It's as if this computer has a magnetic power, and I am drawn to it...
It's evil I swear, oooooooo the screen radiating invisible evil addictive power, heeeeeeelllp!
Ok. I should calm down now. Perhaps I'm such a perfectionist, that's why I suffer the chronic problem of fretting and the impulse of needing to change the format of this blog every 5 minutes. I suppose online blog is a new thing for me, that's why I'm so into it. Dad used to comment on how I always get overly excited with new things, and then get bored easily. Perhaps there is an element of truth in that. I hope that's not true though. I'd like to think I spent 3 hours browsing blog skins because I 'appreciate' art, and that I blog because I'm such a chatter box, this is another outlet for me to voice my opinions...although I don't know if anyone would be interested in reading in my blog anyway, it's too irrelevant, especially this entry, lol. I bet whoever reads this have falling asleep already... :) haha
Oh gotta go now, I think my friend has arrived!!! Finally, I can pull myself away from the computer...
xiao ying @ 6:52 PM.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Fall in love with music
Fall in love with dance
Fall in love with anything that makes you want romance
So fall in love with stories,
Fairytales with truth,
Innocence is part of what you lose with your youth.
Show a little confidence ,
Show a little class,
Don't kiss the past: the past ain't gonna last
Make a little something around the way that you go,
Just think that everything you touch could turn into gold.
Fall in love with everything that you would love to learn,
You know that laughter is the kind of form to cherish and return.
So don't make me unpleasant like you do.
You'll know that everything will fall right back to you.
So fall in love with everything
Fall in love with life.
Forget about your troubles and be a little nice.
You will not see me if you dont' want to look,
Just come and get to know me, in my big big better life. =)
xiao ying @ 8:39 PM.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
It's interesting to see how easy it is to escape from reality. Just remove yourself from the environment, and your troubles end up miles away.
Out of sight, out of mind.
I know it's not the right thing to do. You should face it, deal with it. But how? If you know you don't have much power to change anything, what's the point of helplessly worrying? Perhaps I'm too weak, I want to avoid that unpleasant emotional burden which blankets and suffocates. I see it in their faces, every crevice of their worry lines, every sigh and heavy tones in their speech. Grey, dull and lifeless, every waking hour a reminder of their impatient existence, just trying and trying--WAITING for something to happen!! It's a frustrating existence. The mindscape can be strange place sometimes. What do you do when your faith is like a driftwood lost in the open sea, where rainstorms and waves hurl, pound and crash mercilessly?
Emotional turmoils can be turned around, just like that. All you need is a different perspective, or a single change of event, and that mental prison can open up.
It's tough to see the wider picture when you are in the middle of the storm I suppose. I hope they will be ok.
xiao ying @ 12:09 PM.
Saturday, July 23, 2005
This is Team Hiro, oops I mean Hero. Sunset at Kings Canyon, Central Australia.
Yet my mind is filled with thoughts, I need to type this down!
Today was a girl’s day out. Tiring but very fun. I walked through half the Melbourne CBD on broken heels with Joyce and Shelly, yet I quite enjoyed their company. Ting, a close friend from high school came and visited me this evening. We then chatted for hours.
It’s interesting how social dynamics work when you are stuck in the middle of a desert for 11 days with 94 other strangers. The first couple of days it felt like I was just smiling, saying hi and trying to remember names. It felt like a ritual. You know, a social etiquette, repeating that same line over and over to each stranger you meet. “Hi, I’m Jenny, nice to meet you. What course do you do?...blah blah blah.”
The point is, how many acquaintances do you make in this life time, and how many do you actually call friends? Sure it was fun getting to know so many people, but at some point it got a little tiring. And how much do you really know that person, beside from their name, course and star sign anyway? Once you are beyond the superficiality and the masks, at one stage, one begins to open up and things become interesting…I’m interested to know how they feel when they see a shooting star, I want to discover what their ambitions are, what things in life they enjoy most. Oh but it goes deeper than that, it’s amazing what you can discover about a person the more you get to know them. How first impression is only skin deep. There can be so much more inside, the good, the bad, the ugly…Just like peeling the onion, people can have so many layers.
I know it’s important to cherish friendship. Its times when you need help the most that you discover who your true friends are. Sure I have made many friends during my trip away, but how many of them are superficial ones and how many are for keeps?
I thought of my past, there was a soccer group my friends and I used to hang out with. Then there was the CMG choir group which was so chummy and fun to be part of during production times-we did everything together, karaoke, dinners, movies…Then there was the dance group, we’d be out twice a week dancing away in the latino clubs, we’d go on road trips together, play silly truth/dare games, be there for each other.
Yet slowly, they move away…change uni, go overseas, no longer dance with you and you no longer keep in contact. Seasons change, groups break apart, people move on. It’s a sad reality, but it is nevertheless, reality. I miss some of those friends, but all I’m left is a fond memory and an email address I discover occasionally. I would at pause and reflect, but sadly do nothing about it.
Every now and then you meet a gem or 2.
I hope I am mature enough to treasure these gems, as these are for keeps.
=*Life long friends*=
xiao ying @ 11:53 PM.
It took me a few seconds to realise my surroundings. A familiar song played in the background and I discovered that I was no longer in the middle of an alien landscape somewhere in exotic Greece. No, it's dark in here, I found myself dressed in PJs and under my blanket.
Oh...it as just a dream, I must be ready for work. Groan, grumble...how many mornings did I curse or wish I slept earlier the night before? Last night? The one before that? Or the one before that one? Ah the luxury of sleeping in...if only I could indulge in such for a while...the perenial reoccuring thought that maybe I could take a sickie lasted in my head for a few minutes, until I bolted upright from my bed and rushed through my morning regime.
My mind was still halfway in Greece as I squeezed the toothpaste. I was indulging in the reminant feeling left over from that strange stream. I remember feeling really sad and regretful. Fragments of the dream crept up like a slow moving shadow cast by the rising sun. Instead of lush greeneries and exotic trees surrounding the peaceful lake, the landscape before me had trees with dry and pitiful branches, bare and naked without leaves. They reminded me of the Central Australian bush. Oh it must have been winter, I could feel the windchill, yet I shivered more so from the sorrow that welled up inside. No longer in the mood to explore the Greek Islands, I sat unmoved, watching the cafe across the land, luminating its warm welcoming light with longing.
Inside the cafe were people I knew well. He was there too. They were all accepted jobs offered by the cafe owner. They are probably all participating in activities now, in unison. I hesitated, oh why did I hesitate? Being the last person on the list, I somehow missed the boat. The feeling of isolation accompanied me, and so I continued to sit there by myself, letting melancholy wash over me like a giant wave.
Funny how I become alittle indulgent in these sorts of feelings. Sometimes melancholy is not a bad thing. In fact, it can be beautiful.
Why those events occured in my dream remains a mystery.
xiao ying @ 11:28 PM.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Ahhh, the wonders of digital camera! I remember being really obsessed when I first got my hands on one.
The following photos I've taken are dedicated to a good friend who has recently left Melbourne...
(top left to bottom right)
The classic photo of Melbourne CBD
Royal Botanical Garden in spring
Foggy morning by the yarra
Arts Centre at nightfall
View of the yarra and melbourne CBD from my house :)
St Kilda Pier at dusk
Cathedral near Flinders St Station
xiao ying @ 7:15 PM.
Monday, July 18, 2005
I received an email from the National University of Singapore today, officially offering me a job to join their research team at the Department of Ophthalmology in Singapore. I don't know whether I was feeling excited or nervous or both. Sure, I expected it. But to see it in paper, and having the outlines of administrative procedures there in print...reality kinda hit home.
I could be leaving Australia soon. This could be in a matter of 2 months.
Suddenly it feels like gravity taking effect, everything accelerating in velocity. My mind started to race and burst with hundreds of ideas. Who to contact first? What arrangements need to be made? Plane tickets, accomodation, reference from the boss!
I always dreamt of jetting away, so I could face newer challenges and adventures. Yet that moment when I saw the email, I found myself questioning why I've been wanting to leave in the first place. It's not the salary, because I earn more money here. It's not improving optometric skills, because there is a wider scope of optometry working here in Australia. I would like to think that I didn't just want to go because I wanted to get away from my current life. I have it pretty good here, comfortable, familiar, friends, family...
Then I thought perhaps I want to see what's out there. Do something different. Challenge myself, make mistakes, become independent and learn. Dad shaked his head and told me the old adage, "grass is always greener on the other side". But hey, unless you get to the other side, how do you know that it's actually greener? Or not any better off?
I think I'm going to take the gamble this time. Hell, I'm only 22. I can afford to explore and learn a thing or 2. I get so many different feedbacks from people on this whole issue, how am I supposed to find out what it's really like unless I try it myself?
During my lunch break today, while basking in the sunshine, an elderly lady came and sat next to me. I smiled at her, and from that I initiated a conversation that later revealed her entire life's story. I don't know how I can make people open up to me just like that, but it's cool I suppose.
She told me that she's doing VCE at the moment. Proudly she revealed her study scores for English, History and French and then went on telling me that she is doing it purely out of curiosity. "You're not going to make a career out of it?" I asked amazed, and she shook her head, "Nope, ever since I've retired I've been trying to find things to do, this is just part of my list I guess." The lady looked about 50, you can tell she had grey hair by the roots beneath the colored parts. I was further amazed when she revealed that she had 4 kids (1 died), 10 grandchildren and that she is in fact 68 years old!
The thought of going back to the stress of year 12 at the age of 68 is unthinkable. But she's doing it, out of leisure! I wish I can still retain the mental sharpness like her by the time I'm 68 (if I'm still around that is). She told me that she came from a family of 10 siblings, so her father did not send her to school. By the time she was 21 years of age, she already had 2 kids (imagine that! *shudder*). By the time she migrated to Australia, she had to struggle to find a job and feed the family. After working in the labor force all those years, her kids grew up and she was finally able to retire. "I think I did everything the other way around," she reflected, "ever since I retired, I started to live. I went travelling, I learnt how to swim and started learning again..."
I guess there is no age limit in seeking your dreams. You are as old as you think.
Now that's inspiring.
xiao ying @ 7:42 PM.
Sunday, July 17, 2005
I watched 2046 yesterday.
The following is a plot summary:
He was a writer. He thought he wrote about the future but it really was the past. In his novel, a mysterious train left for 2046 every once in a while. Everyone who went there had the same intention.....to recapture their lost memories. It was said that in 2046, nothing ever changed. Nobody knew for sure if it was true, because nobody who went there had ever come back- except for one. He was there. He chose to leave. He wanted to change.
It was such an interesting movie to watch. Artistic, abstract, confronting...not the typical hollywood style movie that would suit the main-stream audience. I think this movie brings up lots of issues to do with love. How past unresolved relationships can haunt you for years to come, even if the flamed died a long time ago and you are physically distant from it. It's sad, watching the Japanese boy riding the eternal 2046 train. Everyone wanted to recapture their lost memories, and find their lost love...yet they end up in a limbo-like state, unless they find answers, they cannot release themselves from their self-imposed shackles. The Japanese boy asked the robot he fell in love with, "will you leave with me?" Yet this was always met with sorrowful silence. Perhaps one of the most beautiful and scariest thing in life is love. It comes in so many forms, unrequited love, lost love, new-found love, lustful sensual love...
Everyone has secrets. The Japanese boy said that when people have secrets, they climb a mountain to find a tree, they carve a hole from the tree and whisper the secret into the tree. Then they cover the hole up with mud, so that the secret remains hidden, and no one will hear it. I wonder how many people have secrets in this world because of love...
Music is the universal language, in the film music is at times haunting and wistful, at times piercing and frantic. The movie is so poetic-it's seductive yet heartbreaking, it aches of pain and it touches your soul.
Oh, I also love the fact that they spoke Mandarin, Cantonese and Japanese all at once during the movie. The characters being able to understand each other's dialogues even though they are talking to each other in competely different languages. I love it coz I can understand all 3 languages :P and I enjoyed reminding this fact to Neil, hehe!
xiao ying @ 7:34 PM.
Saturday, July 09, 2005
Looking back to my trip, the sceneries were memorable and spectacular. Even more so was the company of fellow travellers-the new familar faces I got to recognise and the few friends I hope to keep.
At King's Canyon, we screamed at the mountains, we screamed our lungs out and heard the rebounding sound effect echoing satisfyingly back toward us. Under the crackling camp fire we gathered toasting delicious marshmallows, under the sparkling stars we swapped stories and shared our thoughts.
We are travelling closer and closer toward Melbourne now. I guess I am mentally preparing myself to the realities of life. The landscape rolling by no longer consists of foreign shrubs and dry flat bush land. There were familiar farmhouses and green grass of the outer suburbs instead of dry, red sand and rocks.
I watched several planes take off yesterday and felt and pang or two. I suppose it's the feeling that the end of the holiday is drawing near and I'm starting to yearn for that 'freedom' again.
Perhaps one day...
Perhaps the true meaning of travel is to escape from reality and experience something completely different. Be whoever you want to be.
Oh what a welcoming sight, dark grey clouds looming in the sky and traffic jams-welcome back to Melbourne! Perhaps I decided that I needed to get away because I wanted answers. I wanted to find out whether I'm with the right guy, what kind of person I am, and what I need to do with my next step in life...
If I have no shackles...I would love to travel. The extended travelling kind. Find out more about everything, see the world for myself.
I wonder when I will ever settle?
xiao ying @ 10:40 PM.