Tuesday, March 28, 2006
I think I'm afraid of love
I think I'm afraid of intimacy
Because it scares me, how much sometimes I crave for it
Because it scares me, how much I become dependent on it
Because it scares me, how it changes me as a person
I wish for it yet I run away from it
For loving the wrong person becomes a trap
The toughest trap is a mental one I can't get out of
I seem to be running in circles, around and around
How do you break this pattern?
Perhaps the answer is letting go
The courage and the strength to withstand the pain
Of potential loss...
xiao ying @ 1:35 AM.
Monday, March 27, 2006
Many plants have thorns, beware of them when you venture deep into ancient Malaysian jungle.
Tonight I'm inspired to reflect.
You learn so much living life on the independent road. So many boundries to cross, where the unfamiliar terrain is buzzing with excitment and surprise. It can be terrifying but insightful, lonesome but strength-gathering, melancholy but more often than not, joyfous and fun.
A friend once joked to me in an comical exaggerated manner, "Moving to another country, it'll be the MAKING of you, it'll be the MAKING of you…" In a way, there is some truth to it. A friend recently was shocked and admired my courage for going to Bangkok alone. If the person I was 2 years ago looked at how I live my life now, I'd probably react the same way.
Thanks to meditation, I feel inspired about my profession again. I feel a dignified need for the job that I do, that sense of satisfaction from being able to help, contribute, and make the smallest difference in people's lives. To make them feel happier in their day is actually quite rewarding. Sometimes the difference can even be life changing, as I learnt through one of my dear meditation teacher 'Mandy'. I guess I tend to lose sight of this while working under stress.
Mandy is one of the most awsome, inspiring teachers from the meditation camp. He suffers Glaucoma and Age Related Macular Degeneration, sadly most of his vision is lost because the disease is too far advanced. To witness someone dear to you suffer night blindness, stumbling in the dark trying to find the door and getting confused…to think that I have the ability to provide early detection of these diseases and halt the worsening, how much difference would I make to the rest of their lives??
Now that's kinda inspiring.
I also learnt that human beings are complex creatures, that what you see on the surface is not exactly what you get. As for dealing with my own emotions, I am slowly learning to acknowledge what goes on inside my head more, gaining greater self control and a heightened sense of self awareness. One of the lessons they taught at meditation is letting go, detaching yourself from the emotions to gain clearer perspective, like viewing yourself through a cleanly washed mirror, without the smudges of emotion blurring the view. If something bothers you and it's out of control, don't waste time and energy worrying about it. If you are fearful or frustrated about something, it's a signal that it's time to prepare yourself and plan your strategy. Always see problems as challenges, learn from them and you will become a stronger person. Do not fret if you fail, just dust yourself off and try again, this time do things alittle differently. Do persist, and avoid finding the easiest way out by avoiding problems. Face your fears head on.
xiao ying @ 3:05 AM.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Drunk to the sound of Jazz at 2am,
still not asleep
indulging in my passion-art
I know it's an irresponsible
as I need to get up for work tomorrow
seconds tick by...
yet these seconds are simple luxury
Too greedy to let go
I wonder if I'm in the wrong profession..?
xiao ying @ 3:59 AM.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
White flowers fell, decorating the lake in the garden...
Deep in concerntration...or falling asleep?
Meditation for 7 days and 7 nights...
Have I changed? Hm, I think I have, in a subtle way.
Learnt about myself, and how to deal with emotions better...
I suppose that's a good thing.
What have I found out?
Unraveling of truth
but a strange form of beauty...
It was hard, oh it was goddamn difficult, but I'm glad I did it.
Yeah, I've changed.
xiao ying @ 3:36 AM.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
At the waterfall...
Our camp group of 22, we had so much fun! We're catching up for other activties in the future, like salsa and rollerblading.
Scenery was beautiful, but the slopes are slippery and dangerous
xiao ying @ 4:06 AM.
Friday, March 03, 2006
I'm free...to do what I want...any old time...
Singapore=Gateway to South East Asia. I'm so excited!!!!
In a weeks time, it's helloooo Bangkok again!! How's this photo for inspiration to breakaway?
The best thing about travelling in Asia?
1. Lots of adventures
2. Easy to blend in coz I'm Asian
3. DIRT CHEAP-I spend as much money staying put in Singapore compared to travelling around. Did you know Jetstar Asia has special promotions like 2$ airfares to vietnam??
xiao ying @ 1:16 PM.